KG Learns About The DVR
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: RK is sick and tired of recording shows for KG. But when he decides to show his older brother how to do it himself, it may cause more harm than good.


_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide The Day

SEASON 1

EPISODE 17

Segway Segment: Wade's Philosophy

Airdate: August 3, 2013

Title: KG Learns About The DVR

Satire: People who depend on others to complete tasks for them

SCENE 1

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Testicular Sound Express is watching television.

WADE: So, Nickelodeon or Disney. Which channel is better?

BUSTER: Oh, Nickelodeon by a country mile.

RK: Hell no, Disney is way better.

BUSTER: State your reasons.

RK: All Nick has is _Sam & Cat_. And the only reason people tune in is for Jennette and Ariana. Dan Schneider is no longer funny. He's a sad little man who thinks he knows what kids want. He doesn't. That bastard has a swelled head.

BUSTER: What about the cartoons?

RK: You're really trying to use the Nicktoons argument again? Buster, we've been over this. Nicktoons were way better in the 1990s.

BUSTER: You weren't even a kid in that era!

RK: Yeah, but we have the '90s Are All That. Besides, Disney shows are better at being funny and entertaining. They actually have GOOD actors and actresses. Trust me, a year ago, I would agree with you, but Disney has Nickelodeon in their back pocket right now.

WADE: I have to agree with RK. And don't forget _Good Luck Charlie _has that lesbian couple next year.

BUSTER: Damn, I hate the 2-on-1 situation. Sparky, back me up.

SPARKY: Why? I like both channels equally.

WADE: That's what gets me about you, Sparky. You always have to be the upstanding moral compass, the diplomat, the idealist of the group.

SPARKY: Well, if I'm not, I'm sure as hell no one else will be.

BUSTER: See. That's why he's my best friend and not yours.

WADE: (Bleep) you.

KG: OH MY GOD! OH MY FREAKING GOD! RYAN KENNEDY JENNINGS, YOU SON OF A BITCH, COME UP HERE RIGHT NOW!

RK: Oh, not this again.

RK is now in KG's room.

KG: RK, how (bleep) retarded can one person be?

RK: You're asking the wrong person, brother. I hang out with Buster.

KG: I'm talking about you, dumbass!

RK: I mean, I love him so much, but he is so stupid. Wait, are you calling me retarded?

KG: If the shoe fits.

RK: Dude, you can't say stuff like that on TV. Angry parents will complain to the network about us. Again.

KG: Last night, before I went to sleep, I specifically remember asking you to record _The Parkers _for me. And today, I want to watch it, and guess what? IT'S NOT HERE!

RK: First off, good little white kids don't watch _The Parkers_. And second off, cut me some slack for once. I forgot.

KG: That's your excuse every time, RK. I forgot, I forgot. Look, I forgot.

RK: Quick question: Why don't you record your own shows? I have a life to live. Why should I waste my time doing things for you?

KG: Why would I do things myself when I can pawn them off on you?

RK: Come to think of it, you've never actually recorded a show for yourself.

(long pause)

KG: Look, you better come through the next time I ask you to record something. Or else, you're getting a beatdown. Nikki Parker-style.

(imitating Kim Parker) RK: DANG, MOMMA!

SCENE 2

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Interior Dining Area

Seattle, Washington

("We Are" by Big Time Rush playing in the background)

RK: And then he threatens me with a Nikki Parker-style beatdown if I forget to record his next show for him.

WADE: Those beatdowns really get you. I heard one kid got one from his cousin, and he talked like Professor Oglevee for a week.

SPARKY: Does KG even know how to use the DVR?

RK: I doubt it. He got tongue-tied when I asked him.

BUSTER: This is terrible.

SPARKY: What, that RK is being bullied by his brother?

BUSTER: No. I asked for peanut butter toffees on my sundae, not caramel!

WADE: Oh, Buster. You always say the right thing at the wrong time.

BUSTER: Awwwwww, thank you, Wade.

WADE: I don't...I don't think you were supposed to be flattered at any point of that sentence.

RK: You know, last night, I started crying.

SPARKY: What would you be crying about?

RK: KG. I feel like I disappointed him. And whenever I've failed someone, I can't stop myself from crying.

BUSTER: Awwwwwwww.

SPARKY: RK, you have to teach KG how to use that thing. He's turning 14 in September, and he can't work a DVR? What will people think?

RK: I know, Sparky. But sometimes he has trouble learning things on the first attempt. My God, I wish Sanna was here to hold me and tell me everything will be alright.

BUSTER: Did you just say Sanna?

RK: Sanna? I said that?

BUSTER: Yeah, just now.

RK: Oh, I meant to say Sanna. I mean, my parents! MY PARENTS! That's what I meant.

SPARKY: Of course, you did.

RK: And bah gawd, I HATE BIG TIME RUSH! Woody, when are you going to play some REAL music?

SPARKY: Hater.

RK: Facts don't make you a hater, Sparky.

WOODY: Keep your pants on, Ryan. The song's almost over.

("Pom Poms" by the Jonas Brothers playing in the background)

RK: Oh yeah, the JBs!

(RK starts bobbing his head while Sparky stares at him, disgusted)

SCENE 3

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK: KG, it has come to my attention that you have no prior experience using the DVR.

KG: So? I just have you do it.

RK: Yeah, but I can't do it all the time. I may have more important things to do. I mean, Testicular Sound Express IS planning an end-of-summer trip to Vegas. What are you going to do then?

KG: Fine, I'll learn. Is it hard?

RK: Not nearly as hard as you make it out to be. For this class, I'll be KRS-One, the Teacha.

KG: But you're not the smart one of the group like Wade, and you have no bars.

(long pause)

RK: OK, KG. Let's get started, you little dumbass. This is a remote. OK, stupid? You use this (bleep) remote to record shows so you can watch them later. You go to the damn guide and press the red "REC" button here. This is red, OK? Do you know what the color red looks like, you slackjawed mouth-breather?

KG: Yes, RK, you ASSHOLE, I know what red looks like.

RK: Good. If you forget, go watch _Sesame Street__. _I suggest you check out the one where they tell Big Bird that Mr. Hooper died. Most hysterical thing I've ever seen. Next, you record a show with the stupid button. Say, you want to record _Arthur_. You go to channel 472, which is PBS.

KG: Can you record _Super WHY!? _I like _Super WHY!_

RK: Who the (bleep) watches _Super WHY!?_

(long pause)

RK: Fine, we'll record that sad excuse for a show. You do the honors.

(KG presses the red button)

KG: I did it. I...I did it! I RECORDED A SHOW! I CAN USE THE DVR!

RK: Yup, no more having Jaylynn think you're a sucker.

KG: Actually, she'll always think I'm a sucker.

RK: Yeah, Jaylynn can be a bitch sometimes.

KG: The bitchiest.

RK: Yeah.

SCENE 4

The Jennings Household

Interior RK's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

RK is Skyping with Sparky, Buster, and Wade.

RK: So, yeah, everything is going great. KG can use the DVR.

SPARKY: Well, I'm glad to see everything worked out.

RK: Thanks.

BUSTER: So how's the Jaylynn situation going?

SPARKY: Well, she doesn't know yet, but she's going to tell me by the end of the summer.

WADE: What's going on with Jaylynn?

BUSTER: She's thinking about moving here before school starts.

WADE: Really? You know, I've always had a little crush on Jaylynn.

RK: Gross! Have you seen her in a two-piece?

WADE: Yes, and her rack is sinful.

BUSTER: You need a real woman. Like Tasanya.

WADE: She don't want you.

RK: Wade's right. Besides, we need to play some computer games later.

BUSTER: Cool! I love computer games.

(smiling) RK: Not MY computer games.

SPARKY: I think I just lost my lunch.

WADE: OK, Leven Rambin or Mariah Buzolin?

BUSTER: I can't believe you're making us choose that.

RK: Wait, blonde Leven Rambin or brunette Leven Rambin?

WADE: Brunette.

BUSTER: Damn, you're laying it on real thick there. I guess, Leven. She is TOO hot for Clarisse La Rue.

WADE: Mariah for me. She's like an adult version of Jaylynn.

RK: Once again, gross! It's a tie for me. But if we were playing gun to the head, I'd go with Mariah. I'm not emotionally attached to Leven yet. Sparky, how about you?

SPARKY: Definitely Leven. She has everything. She looks so badass as Clarisse. And also, Mariah reminds me too much of Jaylynn.

WADE: What could ever be wrong with THAT?

RK: Everything. Trust me. It's like thinking your sister is hot.

SCENE 5

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK is singing "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons)

RK: Wait a minute, the DVR is at 86%? KG...

KG: Hey brother. You want to watch _Cyberchase_?

(RK angrily stares at KG)

KG: What, it's better than _WordGirl_, right? I know that's right.

RK: KG, the DVR is at 86%. Yesterday, it was at 64%. How much stuff did you record last night?

KG: I don't know. All of my favorite shows?

RK: What the...you've never watched _Community _in your life!

KG: Says the guy who will never give _Who's The Boss? _or _Breaking Bad _a chance.

RK: _Who's The Boss? _was the pocket protector of 1980s TV and_ Breaking Bad _is just a glorified drama! I'VE SEEN EIGHT (BLEEP) EPISODES AND THAT CRAP IS NOT ENTERTAINING!

KG: Whatever. Your tastes are very discerning.

RK: KG, look, I know you like to record shows now, but you have to calm down. Then I'm going to spend a half-hour getting rid of your shit.

KG: Fine, I'll slow down.

RK: Thank you.

Two hours later...

RK: 92%? KEVIN GARNETT JENNINGS!

(RK looks toward the camera disgustedly using the _Saved By The Bell _background music)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

WADE: Hey everybody. I'm Wade Saltalamacchia of _Thank You, Heavenly._ And you know, I love to educate the young people. So, today, welcome to Wade's Philosophy.

("My Philosophy" by Boogie Down Productions playing in the background, which is the theme song for Wade's Philosophy)

("It's Like That (Instrumental)" by Run-DMC playing in the background)

"Living In The Ghetto"

WADE: Being criminal minded is the act of having a criminal mindset without being a criminal. Many kids today in low-income areas and poor neighborhoods need to be criminal minded in order to survive. I really admire rappers like DMC and KRS-One because they grew up in poor areas and grew up to be more successful than people ever told them they would be. DMC never even knew who his real mother was until a couple years back, and KRS-One moved out of his home into a homeless shelter at 14 years old. My philosophy is that you should never think that your life has reached an ending, because everyone goes through hard times. And if anyone ever doubts what you can do, work twice as hard and prove them wrong.

("Poison (Instrumental)" by Bell Biv DeVoe playing in the background)

"The Pregnancy Problem"

WADE: Teen pregnancy has always been a problem, and now I think it's gotten worse. Females, in my opinion, seem to give it up more to males, and males seem to have a lot more sexual urges. And a lot of sex these days is unprotected, which leads to a child in high school. My philosophy is that teenagers need to think about the consequences of being too sexually active and embrace condoms instead of rejecting them. Instant gratification is something that people at that age want as much as possible.

("Night Of The Living Baseheads (Instrumental)" by Public Enemy playing in the background)

"Drugs, Drugs, Drugs"

WADE: One main difference in black communities and white communities is that whites tend to take more drugs and heavier, powerful drugs than blacks. Back then, everybody smoked crack. Now you rarely ever hear of blacks snorting coke. All they do is marijuana, cigarettes, and the occasional molly, which is ecstasy. Whites smoke everything. Marijuana, cigarettes, mollys, crack, LSD, meth, heroin, caffeine pills, and oxycodone. I just wanted to point that out and I advise you don't argue with me about it. My philosophy is that drugs are highly dangerous. They can be used moderately, but excessive use is a serious problem. Because I know guys that smoke weed from time to time and they're just fine. Everything they taught you in the 1980s about drugs is a lie. They used scare tactics to make you think drugs were created by Satan. They forced you into not taking drugs. In that era, wouldn't it be easier to talk to your parents about that instead of seeing it on TV? Besides, if it wasn't for these people telling you that drugs are Satanic, you probably wouldn't even know about that. Unless you had a friend that took drugs.

RK: To learn more about low-income neighborhoods, teen pregnancy, and drugs, visit your local library. Or just look it up on the computer or listen to political rap. We don't care how you get educated. As long as you do.

("My Philosophy" ends Wade's Philosophy)

SCENE 6

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Interior Dining Area

Seattle, Washington

RK: So now he's recording shows left and right. There's no room for the shows I want anymore. And guess what he deleted last night.

SPARKY: _Dog With A Blog_?

BUSTER: _Marvin Marvin_?

WADE: _Full House_?

RK: Ewwww, the shows you guys watch are so cummy. No, he deleted my _Austin & Ally._

BUSTER: Isn't that like, your favorite show?

RK: No, sweetheart. _Arthur _is my favorite show. But it's funny as hell and I can't believe he deleted it!

SPARKY: RK, you have to talk to KG about this. Let him know it bothers you.

RK: Sparky, please don't let us become the kind of show with hackneyed, old-school storytelling and heavy-handed moral lessons.

SPARKY: Oh, HELL NAW! But it's like what Mr. Rogers said. "If I'm feeling mad or sad or glad about something, I try to tell somebody about it."

RK: I guess you're right. But usually with KG, he just becomes interested in things that involve me. I watch _Beauty Shop _one time, and he opens his own beauty shop at home.

KG has a thick, stereotypical black female accent. RK is home from school.

RK: KG, I'm...what is all this?

KG: Hey baby, I'm Yolanda, and welcome to my beauty shop. Take a seat, I'm about to do wonders with yo hair.

RK: What the (bleep) are you talking about? And stop chewing that gum so loudly, it's annoying!

KG: You look like yo hair could use a French braid. You want a French braid? I'll give you a DAMN good French braid.

RK: KG, I don't need a freaking French braid. I want you to get rid of all this stuff NOW.

KG: And so I told Vivian, "Sugar, I need a man who can throw down and can get low down, as in down there. OOH, I BE SO NASTY!

RK: And this is SO racist.

KG: Shut up bitch, you gonna look BUTE after I'm done wit you. You know that movie, _Meet The Spartans_? (imitating Blaine and Antoine from _In Living Color _by snapping his fingers) HATED IT!

SCENE 7

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

KG: Yeah, Rodney, you saw _Game of Thrones _last night? I know, right? Yeah, I was telling Sparky the exact same thing, the EXACT same thing. I know, the writers should've done that instead. Not the best episode this season. Not by a long shot.

RK: Hey KG.

KG: Rod, I'll call you back later, OK? OK, bye. Yeah, what's up?

RK: Well, I think your recording spree is over.

KG: What do you mean it's over? IT CAN'T BE OVER! For the first time in my life, I have true power. Do you know what it feels like to have true power?

RK has a dream sequence...

("#thatPOWER" by will. featuring Justin Bieber playing in the background)

RK is standing on top of Mount Everest with sunglasses and a Michael Jackson-style military jacket. RK drinks part of a can of Sun Drop, then realizes what soda it is, and the music stops.

RK: Ew, gross!

RK takes out a can of Mountain Dew.

(to the camera) RK: Always the right choice.

The music starts up again as RK drinks his Mountain Dew can, and throws it off the peak. He then slowly removes his sunglasses (a reference to Super Bowl XXVII) and as soon as Bieber finishes his first verse, RK jumps off the peak...and crashes twenty feet below.

RK: OH, SON OF A BITCH! I SHOULD'VE USED A PARACHUTE!

KG: Wasn't that a dream?

RK: Oh yeah, that was a dream. Anyway, I've been doing a little bit of research, and apparently, people who use the DVR excessively are susceptible to mental retardation.

KG: Really? Well, that's just subjective. I just started.

RK: Most of the offenders are likely to be between the ages of 12-16.

KG: Well, that's just likely. Even pansexuals could suffer from that.

RK: STRAIGHT MALES BETWEEN THE AGES OF 12-16!

KG: RK, are you lying to me?

RK: No. What makes you think I'm a liar?

KG: Because when you lie, you play with your mohawk.

RK: Well, you can't prove that. You little weirdo.

SCENE 8

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK: Oh, KG, HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP ME!

KG: RK, oh my God!

RK: Yeah. I injured my spine going rollerblading. I think girls call it chlamydia.

KG: What can I do to help?

RK: There's only one thing. Sign this legally binding contract that prevents you from recording an excessive amount of DVR shows, YOU SICK BASTARD!

(long pause)

KG: Oh no. I'm not signing that damn contract. I'm going to keep recording DVR shows no matter what!

RK: Are you serious? Come on, you're acting more stubborn than Halley when Sparky calls State Farm.

SPARKY: I know. I really want to just sneak out and meet you. But my girlfriend won't like that. You've helped me so much, but she won't approve of our relationship. Yeah, she gets real jealous when I hang out with someone else.

HALLEY: Oh, so now you're making calls behind my back?

SPARKY: HALLEY! (BLEEP), DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT!

HALLEY: Who is this?

SPARKY: Halley, it's not what you think!

JAKE: I'm Jake from State Farm.

SCENE 9

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

KG: 100%? You can no longer record shows because your DVR has been filled to capacity?

RK: You had to learn at some point.

KG: RK, WHAT'S GOING ON! FIX IT!

RK: KG, it's over. Recording shows constantly is over. Don't you realize what's happened to you?

(a clip is shown of SpongeBob saying "No, not particularly" from the episode "Plankton's Good Eye")

RK: Everyone is worried about you. Rodney hasn't seen you in a week. Look, there are juice stains all over your shirt!

KG: It's supposed to be that way.

RK: No, it's not, I have the exact same shirt. KG, I had a problem with you asking me to record shows. But I have an even bigger problem with you recording shows. You don't even watch them.

KG: I've seen almost all of them. In fact, by my calculations, the DVR should be at 60% right now.

RK: Then delete the shows, dumbass!

KG: I can't. I don't know how.

RK: Yeah, and Lance Armstrong tells the truth. Come on, KG, you know how to do it, so just do it.

KG: I really don't know how.

RK: KG, did it ever occur to you what the "Delete" option is for when you select a certain show?

KG: Yeah, to "delete" something means to get rid of it. I learned it from _Martha Speaks_.

RK: Then why...didn't...YOU DO IT!

KG: I needed your authentication. Now that I know that the "Delete" option means what I thought it did, I can get rid of my shows. Thanks RK.

RK: I...I...oh no, here we go...

(RK faints, seconds away from strangling KG)

KG: RK, do you need this episode of _A.N.T. Farm_? RK?

(KG realizes RK's collapsed)

KG: Eh, this season is so-so anyway.

(KG deletes the episode)

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("Soul To Rock And Roll" by Run-DMC playing in the end credits)

©2013 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

IN MEMORIAM OF COREY MONTEITH

1982-2013

GOD HAS CALLED YOU HOME


End file.
